The Secret Script of Final Fantasy XIII2
by nopieghost2
Summary: Final Fantasy XIII-2, in its earlier stages, had a script written by a young, aspiring author who wanted to make a name for himself in the rand corporation of Square Enix. The devious Toriyama, however, would have none of that. He stole the script and rewrote it as his own work. Here is the original script of Final Fantasy XIII-2, pure and unaltered in its most basic state.
1. Chapter 1

*Lightning is strutting her stuff in steel armor and a long feather dress, chilling in Valhalla while riding the Shiva motorcycle that she jacked from Snow*

Purple Man: Oh my gosh, it's Lightning!

Lightning: 'Sup? Need an autograph!

Purple Man: Yesssss! I looooved your game! You're so sexyyyy! *takes out autograph book*

Lightning: Sorry... I don't autograph for Kain cosplayers. Stupid Kain and his stupid Jump spam in Duodecim... *walks off*

Purple Man: No! I've been waiting to get your autograph since I saw you in the first FF13 trailer! You were so beautiful!

Lightning: You mean the one that was made before SE even started development on the game? That chick wasn't even me, she was just Cloud wearing a Psicom uniform.

Purple Man: Oh... that explains why your character design suddenly changed halfway through develpment...

Lightning: Anyways, see ya' later cosplayer-dude. I'm gonna' Provoke some guy at Etro's rave party and cast Ruin on him while he uses Water on me. See ya'

*Lightning rides off*

Purple Man: Grr... How dare she insult Caius, the ultimate cosplayer! No weaboo is as magnificent as I! I shall have my revenge, valkyrie girl, just you wait!

Noel: Hey, Caius, did you get Lightning's autograph? I just went over to Serah's house and spent the night. She has a very sturdy table.

Caius: Damn you and your stupid love for anorexid girls! The last one you dated died of starvation because you wouldn't let her eat her birthday cake! If you love Serah so much, why don't you just go on an adventure with her or something?

Noel: That's a great idea! :D

Caius: Argh!

*Caius pimpslaps Noel into a portal*

*Noel wakes up in a mysterious dark room*

Serah: Hey baby ;)

Noel: WTF how did I get here?

Serah: Well, this mirror just randomly appeared in my bedroom and you popped out unconscious. I didn't have anywhere to put you so I just laid you down on my bed and slept on top of you.

Noel: Did we do anything?

Serah: No, of course not! You know I'm only into women!

Noel: That's not what Lightning told me.

Serah: She's a conservative. I had to hide my love for women from her. Did you see how hard she slapped Fang in FF13 when she found out Fang and Vanille were lesbians?

Noel: But then... last night...

Serah: You're the closest thing to a woman I can get. If Lightning sees that I'm sleeping with another woman when she gets back from her rave party then she'll kick me out of the house.

Noel: Aren't you old enough to make a living?

Serah: Please! I'm an elementary school teacher. We don't get paid gil!

Noel: Oh, right... what about Snow?

Serah: I just dated him because he's old money. Lightning jacked his motorcycle and punched him so hard he was blasted out of the space-time-continuum.

Noel: Sounds legit.

*suddenly, a random crystal pops out of the mirror*

Noel: OH MY GOSH IT'S AN ARTEFACT!

Serah: Artifact

Noel: Artefact

Serah: Artifact

Noel: Artefact

Serah: Do you not have an education system in the future or something?

Noel: Everyone from my time is dead except for me, this purple Kain cosplayer dude, and a hot anorexic chick with a really bad limp.

Serah: What happens to everybody else?

Noel: You kill them with a moogle.

*Serah is quiet*

Noel: Anyways, this artefact lets us time-travel.

Serah: Sounds awesome! Let's try it out!

*Noel and Serah walk out of the house to test out the artifact. However, they are greeted with the image of a hundred extraterrestrial monsters invading New Bodhum and mercilessly slaughtering the local populace. Blood is sprayed across the sand*

Text Box: Battle Tutorial! Spam the X button to win!

Serah: Man, this is pretty hard.

Noel: Tell me about it

*After spamming the X button two hundred times, Serah defeats the monsters*

*After defeating the monsters, Serah and Noel see Lebreau*

Serah: Hello Lebreau!

Lebreau: Wait... did you just kill all those monsters?

Serah: Yeah?

Lebreau: Without a weapon?

Serah: Yeah?

Lebreau: Even though there were twenty other guys with guns having trouble taking down those extraterrestrial creatures?

Serah: Silly Lebreau! Everyone knows that in Final Fantasy games, guns are just toys that little kids fight with! Real warriors fight unarmed! Just ask Snow!

Lebreau: Of course! Guns are for children! Us adults should be fighting monsters with our fists, because that is much more practical!

*Noel is too busy checking out Lebreau's breasts to realize how stupid she is*

Serah: By the way, this is Noel. He's male.

Lebreau: You're so funny, Serah!

Serah: No, I'm serious.

Lebreau: Oh.

Serah: He's going to teach me how to travel using this crystal stone!

Lebreau: You're so funny, Serah!

Serah: No, I'm still being serious.

Lebreau: You're so funny, Serah!

Serah: We could save the future of humanity if we go into the future and stop myself from killing humanity in the future where I kill humanity.

Lebreau: You're so funny, Serah!

Serah: Screw you.

*Serah drags Noel away*

Noel: Who's that chick with nice breasts?

Serah: A random NPC from FF13 that only appears in this game because horny weaboos think she's attractive.

Noel: _

Serah: Anyways, let's go use the artifact

Noel: Artefact.

Serah: Whatever.

Noel: First, we have to go to the meteor that crashed nearby. The artefact channels the power of bad Final Fantasy VII references to let us bend the rules of the universe.

Serah: Okay.

*Lightning suddenly materializes*

Light: HALT!

Serah: Huh?

Light: Welcome to the world of Pokemon! First, are you a boy or a girl?

Noel: I don't know :(

Light: It's dangerous to go into the tall grass, take this!

*Light throws a Moogle at Serah and dissapears*

Mog: Take me back to FF6, kupo! I don't want to be part of this horrible game, kupo!

Serah: Yay! I love pokemon! This Moogle will help protect us from monsters on the path to the meteor!

Mog: Like hell I will, kupo!

Noel: Aww, it's so cute! All my otaku buddies will be so jealous when they see me post this on my twitter!

Mog: Why can't you ****ing humans understand me, kupo?

*Serah and Noel walk in tall grass until a wild monster appears*

Noel: A wild monster appeared!

Serah: I choose you, Mog!

*Serah throws Mog at the monster and kills it*

Mog: I'm going to ****ing kill you all, kupo!

Noel: Hey look, the moogle is evolving!

Mog: Aw crap, this is always the worst part

*Mog screams in pain as he is transformed into a Bowsword*

Serah: Yeah! I got a Bowsword!

Noel: And it looks like the Bowsword was added to our pokedex!

Pokedex: Bowsword, a freaking awesome weapon that you will never use because Serah is a mage and her Strength sucks ass. Have fun watching Serah spam Ruin for the next sixty hours! Mwahahaha!

Serah: What the...?

Noel: This pokedex must be glitched or something. That doesn't even make sense.

*Noel throws away his pokedex and the duo continue on their journey*

*Suddenly Gogmagog pops out of a portal*

Gogmagog: BLARGH!

Serah: Oh noes, it's a boss!

Noel: How do you know?

Serah: Because my ears are currently bleeding from the horrible metal.

Noel: Makes sense

*The pair spam X for a few turns until Gogmagog dies*

Serah: Hey, I'm starting to get better at spamming X!

Noel: Hey look, we're here! Now all we have to do is jump into this gate!

Serah: And then?

Noel: We disappear into the timeline.

Serah: How do I know you're not a creepy pedophiliac rapist?

Noel: You don't.

*Serah and Noel are just about to jump into the gate when Lebreau comes out of nowhere*

Lebreau: SERAH!

Serah: Is that Snow? That sounds like something Snow would say.

Lebreau: No, it's me.

Serah: Ew.

Noel: *boned*

Lebreau: I polished your knife for you before you go :D

Serah: Okay.

Lebreau: Aren't you going to thank me?

Serah: No.

Lebreau: Don't you want your knife?

Serah: No.

Lebreau: Why not?

Serah: Who was the last FF character to use a knife?

Lebreau: ...Penelo?

Serah: And who likes Penelo?

Lebreau: ...nobody?

Serah: Exactly!

Roxas: I like Penelo!

Serah: And that's why you're a nobody.

Roxas: :(

*Serah and Noel jump into the gate*

Serah: Oh Etro... I'm gonna' puke.

Noel: What's wrong?

Serah: There's... so... much... orange... I hate orange...

*Serah and Noel arrive at Bresha Ruins*

*Serah pukes*

Psicom Dude: Hey! Puking on government property is a violation of the law! You're under arrest!

*Ninja Psicom Dudes pop out of the scenery and arrest Serah and Noel*

Noel: What did _I_ do?

Psicom Dude: Crossdressing on government property! That's twice as bad as puking on government property!

Noel: What? But I'm a guy...

Psicom Dude: Save it, woman! Our nude body search will determine that!

*Noel takes off his pants*

Psicom Dude: 0_o Err, he's not under arrest. The pink-haired chick still is, though!

Serah: Hey!

*The Ninja Psicom Dudes take Serah away to a mysterious evil blonde*

Blonde: Hehehe, you thought you could puke on these beautiful ruins without me knowing? Foolish girl.

Serah: It wasn't me, honest!

Blonde: Then who was it?

Serah: It was, uh, that massive giant robot over there killing innocent people!

Blonde: How dare that massive giant robot killing innocent people puke on my beautiful ruins! My name is Alyssa, let's go stop that massive giant robot killing innocent people!

*Serah and Alyssa whip out their PS3 controllers and mash the X button until Atlus dies*

Serah: Wow, you're pretty good at mashing buttons!

Alyssa: Thanks. I got a lot of practice after playing FF13. You're pretty good yourself.

Serah: I'm a FF12 fan.

Alyssa: That explains it. Thanks for helping me defeat that giant robot killing innocent people. That'll teach it for puking on my ruins!

Serah: See ya'.

*Serah walks off and sees Noel fighting a monster*

Noel: Hey Serah! I just caught a Cait Sith! It can heal us in battle!

Serah: Ew, you mean that ugly horrible robot-cat abomination that has a horrible personality, a stupid design, and a worthless limit break? Kill it, kill it with Fire!

*Serah casts Fire and kills the Cait Sith*

Noel: ...it was just an innocent little cat... it wasn't even related to FF7 at all...

Serah: **** that.

*A Psicom Dude approaches them*

Psicom Dude: Hey, do you know how to use the Time Gates?

Noel: Yeah... why?

Psicom Dude: Great! Alyssa was trying to figure out how to activate one and she thought she saw you two using them.

Serah: All you have to do is hold hands and jump in the air! Then you magically disappear into a portal of friendship and happiness!

Psicom Dude: ...no, seriously.

Noel: The chick is right.

Psicom Dude: ...Alyssa is never gonna' believe me when I tell her that...

Alyssa: I heard someone say my name so I came with a rhyme that was lame, even by the standards of this game, which...

Serah: Stop. Rapping. Now.

Alyssa: :(

Psicom Dude: They're saying that you time travel by holding hands and jumping into a portal of friendship and happiness _

Alyssa: Sounds legit.

Noel: Let's do it.

Psicom Dude: Aw, why did I get myself into this...

*The four hold hands and jump into a Time Gate*

*The four reappear in a dark grassy area*

Serah: Where are we now?

Psicom Dude: Hmm... let's ask that scientist over there.

Alyssa: HEY DUDE OVER HERE MAN C'MON DON'TCHA SEE ME?

Scientist: Oh my gosh, it's Alyssa! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the Paddra Ruins with Hope!

Noel: ...

Alyssa: Who's Hope?

Scientist: He's your new boss, remember?

Alyssa: Huh?

Scientist: Yeah, he's over in that direction, in the ancient city of Paddra. Make sure you don't walk in the darkness, though, or you may be attacked by a monster!

Serah: We're not afraid of monsters! We fight them all the time!

Scientist: Whatever you say, girl.

*The four continue on, ignoring the scientist's advice and walking into the darkness*

Behemoth: ROAR!

*The Behemoth kills everyone*

Psicom Dude: Aw, it's the Game Over screen... I hate seeing this...

Alyssa: Don't worry! SE designed the game so that whenever you die, you can respawn from the exact moment you left off, except the enemy is gone this time!

Serah: Wow! They somehow managed to make it even easier than FF13!

*The party continues on, getting several Game Overs until they finally reach the ancient city of Paddra*

Aloeidai: BLARGH!

Serah: Oh no... it's that horrible metal music again...

*Everyone except Noel spams X. Noel is busy cutting himself*

Psicom Dude: Yay! We did it!

Serah: You know... you haven't taken off your helmet at all since we first met you. Who are you?

Psicom Dude: ...you don't want to know...

Alyssa: C'mon, at least tell us your name.

Psicom Dude: ...Psicom Dude...

Serah: Fine, if you won't tell us...

*Serah rips off Psicom Dude's helmet. Under his helmet... is another helmet*

Alyssa: WTF

Psicom Dude: I told you, my name is Psicom Dude! That's what my parents named me! This is what my face looks like!

Serah: Wow... you must have had a pretty ****y life.

Psicom Dude: Tell me about it _

*Hope and Alyssa appears out of nowhere*

Hope: Hello Serah! 'Sup, Psicom Dude? How are you doing, Alyssa... wait, Alyssa?

Alyssa and Alyssa: WTF? Who are you and why are you impersonating me?

Psicom Dude: This is going to take a long time to explain...

Serah: Final Fantasy XIII-2: The story so far!

*Serah throws up a series of cutscenes*

Hope: That only makes me more confused.

Alyssa: So wait, in the future, I work for the hottest guy on the planet?

Alyssa: Yup, pretty much.

Psicom Dude: You know, that guy over there has just been cutting himself the entire time.

Hope: What guy?

Serah: He's talking about Noel. He's a japanophile.

Hope: Who is Noel? All I see is some chick with two swords sobbing in a corner.

Serah: That's him.

Hope: Why is he crying?

Noel: BECAUSE OF YOU!

*Noel jumps up and punches Hope in the chest*

Noel: I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE JAPANESE! I HATED MY LIFE FOR SO LONG! I TRIED TO SOLVE IT BY BUYING EVERY FINAL FANTASY GAME! I EVEN BOUGHT SAMURAI SWORDS AND SAMURAI PANTS TO BE MORE JAPANESE! BUT THEN SQUARE ENIX MADE FINAL FANTASY WESTERN AND CRAPPY! NOW I CAN'T ENJOY IT ANYMORE BECAUSE...

*Alyssa takes out a stun gun and paralyzes Noel*

Alyssa: Thanks, Alyssa, that guy was getting annoying.

Alyssa: You're welcome. He's just another weaboo that goes on gaming forums and bashes WRPGs and stuff.

Alyssa: Man, he looks like he's never been to a gym in his life. Pretty pathetic.

*Alyssa and Alyssa continue talking to eachother while Hope drags Serah away*

Hope: So we found these things called "Oracle Drives".

Serah: Are they like Flash Drives?

Hope: Kind of. Have a look.

*The screen shows Lightning at Etro's rave party*

Serah: It's my sister!

*To be continued*

Hope: Do you realize the significance of this? Thousands of years ago, mankind was taking a bad-quality video of YOUR SISTER DANCING IN A RAVE PARTY!

Serah: That... is extremely creepy. I'm honestly disturbed knowing that some ancient caveman time traveled to the future, took a video of my sister dancing, and then went back in time and buried it.

Hope: Yeah... that makes about as much sense as if some random guy jumped out of your mirror one night and claimed he could make you time travel with crystal meth.

Serah: Don't judge _

Alyssa: So, are we going to time travel again?

Alyssa: Oooh! Bring me this time!

Alyssa: You already did time travel... in the past...

Alyssa: No... I don't remember time travelling... I think I'm the one from the past

Alyssa: No, you're the one from the future, I'm the one from the past!

Alyssa: Stop lying!

*Alyssa and Alyssa have a cat fight*

Hope: (hey Serah, let's quietly sneak into the Time Gate while the Alyssas are fighting!)

Serah: (sure!)

*Serah and Hope hold hands and jump into the Time Gate*

Alyssa: Damn it, they went into the Gate! Now we can't use it!

Alyssa: Why not?

Alyssa: You need an artefact to use the Time Gate, and they took the last one with them!

Alyssa: You mean an artifact?

Alyssa: No, artefact.

Alyssa: It's artifact, silly!

Alyssa: Um, I'm from the future, I think I know more than you do.

Alyssa: Keep telling yourself that, I'm obviously the one from the future!

*Alyssa and Alyssa resume their cat fight*

*Serah and Hope reappear in Oerba*

Serah: WTF happened here?

*Serah and Hope are blocked by a massive black wall. Hope touches the wall to examine its material, and is teleported along with Serah to another dimension*

Serah: What did you do now...

Hope: Oh dear... it's even worse than I feared...

Serah: Huh?

Hope: This is... the evil... HANDS OF TIME PUZZLE!

Serah: What's so evil about some hands of time?

Hope: You have to go through an extremely repetitive puzzle with a time limit over and over and over again, randomizing every time you screw up, and the only way to effectively beat it is to guess correctly. There is no skill, only luck. It is one of the darkest, evillest minigames ever created since Tetra Master in FF9, and it makes even less sense.

Serah: You're the scientist here, you figure this out.

Hope: *sigh*

*Hope spends six hours running around Hands of Time and is still stuck on stage 1*

Serah: Hey, Hope!

Hope: What the **** do you want I'm dying here you dumb *****

Serah: Wow, how rude. You know, I found this super awesome hyper amazing website on my phone that tells you the solution to every Hands of Time puzzle ever, but I don't think you want it anymore...

Hope: No! Please! I'll do anything! Anythiiiing...

Serah: Fine! Give me your boomerang.

Hope: I'll never do tha... wait, what?

Serah: Your boomerang.

Hope: Why would you want my boomerang? It's the crappiest weapon ever created. It's about as powerful as a staff and as practical as a gunblade. I don't even use it in battle. Why would you want it?

Serah: It's smells real nice :3

Hope: Umm, okay 0_o

*Hope gives Serah his crappy boomerang*

*Serah solves the Hands of Time in thirty seconds*

Hope: ...it pisses me off so much knowing that you could have done that six hourse ago.

Serah: I know :D

Caius: BLARGH!

Hope: Hey look, it's Kain!

Serah: Who's Kain?

Hope: He's this guy from Duodecim. I was a tutorial character in that game. I remember Kain being some trash low-tier joke character

Caius: Kain is NOT a low-tier character! He's the best character ever!

Serah: Why is Kain talking in third person?

Caius: I'm not Kain, idiot! Your sister has hurt my delicate feelings... time to do battle


	2. Chapter 2

Hope: Man, I haven't fought in a while...

Serah: Don't worry! Just mash the X button!

Hope: Huh? Don't you have to, like, Paradigm Shift or something?

Serah: Nah, not anymore. FF13-2 got rid of all the strategy so now it's just MASHY MASHY!

Hope: YAY!

*Serah and Hope mash the X button*

Caius: Hah! Your button-mashing is nothing compared to mine!

*Caius takes out a turbo controller*

Serah: What? No fair!

Yeul: Caius... it is too late.

Caius: Huh?

Yeul: The timeline has already been altered... There is a disturbance... in the Sunleth Waterscape...

Caius: What do you sense, Yeul?

Yeul: ...a blond man... in a trench coat... being an idiot...

Hope: Serah! That sounds like...!

Caius: Silence! We must fix the timeline! It makes little enough sense already without idiosyncratic imbecile paradoxes running around!

*Caius and Yeul hold hands and jump into a Time Gate*

Hope: Snow is in danger! We must go to the Sunleth Waterscape!

Serah: Crap! Snow hasn't written his will yet! One of his illegitimate children may try to claim his inheritance if we don't get to him first!

*Serah and Hope follow Caius*

*Later, in the Sunleth Waterscape*

Caius: You are a paradox! Somehow, despite being the most suicidal character in FF13, the ultimate meatshield who's only purpose in life is to tank in the SEN role 24/7, you are still alive! Do you realize how ridiculous it is that you survived the events of the storyline? You don't even have armor! You don't even have fans! How are you still alive?

Snow: HEROES NEVER DIE BRAH!

Yeul: *collects flowers*

Hope: Stop right there, criminal scum! Nobody runs away from a battle on my watch! I'm confiscating your Kain costume! Now pay your fine or it's off to Academia with you!

Caius: I am above you humans! I am... A POTATO!

*Caius transforms into Royal Ripeness*

Serah: Wait, that's a tomato, not a potato!

Hope: He's a cosplayer. He's probably not even smart enough to tell the difference.

Serah: It's that metal again... boss time!

*Serah and Hope whip out their controllers and spam X*

Hope: It's not working!

Royal Ripeness: Bwahahaha! While you weren't looking I swapped your PS3 controllers with Xbox 360 controllers!

Serah: Oh no! I don't know how to use an Xbox 360 controller!

Hope: Just pretend this is a fighting game and mash every button randomly until you win!

*Serah and Hope randomly spam different buttons*

Royal Ripeness: Noooo you have defeated meeeeeeeee

Snow: Thanks for saving me honeybunch :D

Serah: Hey Snow, this is kinda' unrelated but can you write me in your will right now?

Snow: Of course, darling!

Hope: Add me too!

Snow: Anything for you, sweetheart!

Hope: ...

*Snow writes Serah and Hope into his will*

Serah: Soooo, now that that's done, didn't Lightning punch your face out of the space-time continuum?

Snow: Yeah.

Serah: Soooo shouldn't you be dead?

Snow: HEROES NEVER DIE!

Hope: *resisting urge to kill Snow*

Serah: Uh, sure, whatever you say Snow... we're gonna leave through that Time Gate. Without you. Kthanxbye.

*Serah and Hope jump into Time Gate and reappear somewhere else*

Snow: HEY SWEETIEPIE WASSUP?

Serah: The f***? I thought we ditched you in Sunleth?

Snow: I followed you :)

Hope: ...but you need an artefact to do that... and you need to be traveling with at least one other person...

Snow: Details, details! Who cares about consistency?

Serah: Not the writers of this game, apparently...

Hope: Where are we, anyways?

Snow: Archylte Steppe! Don't you remember?

Hope: What? Where's the Cie'th Stones? The giant turtles? The Titan?

Snow: Probably DLC...

*Serah, Hope, and Snow explore the Archylte Steppe*

Tribesman: Stop, you three! You have invaded tribe property! Take one more step and I'll beat you with a wrench!

Serah: Hey, looks like we got ourself a badass over here.

*Tribesman takes out massive wrench*

Hope: Okay! We surrender!

Snow: HEROES NEVER LOSE!

*Tribesman beats Snow with the massive wrench

Tribesman: Anyone else want to resist?

Serah: We'll follow you.

Tribesman: Good.

*Tribesman takes Serah and Hope to the Chieftain, leaving Snow behind*

Chieftain: I see our enemy tribe has sent spies.

Hope: We're not spies!

Chieftain: You expect us to believe that, albino? Look at that bright pink uniform that witch-girl is wearing! You are obviously spies!

Serah: Wait! We're honestly not spies! We're on your side!

Chieftain: If you really are our allies, prove it! You must complete a series of challenges to prove your loyalty!

Hope: (what have you gotten us into, Serah...)

Chieftain: First, you must give me three tuffs of wool!

Serah: Okay. So what's our challenge?

Chieftain: That is your challenge, witch-girl.

Hope: Do we have a time limit? A handicap? Anything?

Chieftain: No.

Serah: So what's the challenge?

Chieftain: You have to give me three tuffs of wool.

Hope: What's stopping us from ditching this camp and just running away?

Chieftain: I have faith in your loyalty, even though you and the witch-girl are obviously spies.

Serah: Okay! Off to find those three tuffs of wool! See you in a few hours, chieftain!

*Serah and Hope run off and jump into the Time Gate*

*They reappear in a dark, futuristic city*

Hope: Hey look! We're in the Versus XIII trailer!

Serah: Finally, a town! We can go to an inn and visit the shops and do sidequests and...

NPCs: BLARGH!

*All the NPCs turn into Cie'th*

Hope: So much for townz...

*Serah and Hope throw Ruinga everywhere*

Serah: Looks like that's all of them.

Hope: Soooo that makes us murderers, right?

Serah: Huh?

Hope: You know, we just killed approximately one-hundred-and-sixty-nine innocent civillians.

Serah: You make it sounds so much more violent when you phrase it like that...

Caius: We meet again!

Hope and Serah: IT'S KAIN!

Caius: I'm not Kain, damn it!

*Caius summons monstahs*

Serah: How come he can summon but we can't?

Hope: Probably because the Square Enix was too lazy to create new Eidolons and gave us generic monsters to use in battle instead.

*Serah and Hope ruinga tha monstahs*

Yuel: Stop!

Caius: Huh?

Yuel: This place sucks! There are no flowers for me to collect!

Serah: Wait, didn't we see you hundreds of years ago?

Yuel: No... Oh, you must be mistaking me for my twin Yeul!

Hope: Yeul?

Yuel: Yeah, Yeul's my twin sister from a hundred years ago. People get us confused sometimes.

Serah: Ah, that clears things up!

Caius: ...Can we get on with the battle?...

Yuel: Oh, sorry. I didn't realize I was in the middle of your boss fight.

*The metal music plays again as Caius summons a massive tentacle monster*

Hope: Wait a second... I just thought of something...

Serah: Huh?

Hope: The cie'th are zombies, right?

Serah: Well, kind of.

Hope: So shouldn't we be able to OHKO them with Raise?

Serah: Oh, right! We can!

*Serah casts Raise and OHKOs the tentacle monster*

Caius: Damn it... why doesn't Square Enix's testing team catch things like this...

*Caius turns into Bahamut and flies away*

Yuel: Hey, have you seen this pimp called Noel?

Hope: Yeah, why do you ask?

Yuel: He's my boyfriend but he ditched me to go to some stupid anime convention...If you see him text me. Here's my number.

*Yuel gives Hope her number*

Yuel: Bye, stud. *limps away*

Serah: I guess we're done here.

Hope: Yep

*Serah and Hope jump into Time Gate and reappear in a large, cyberspace blue tower*

Computer: Hostiles encountered! Lockdown! Lockdown!

Serah: Oh noes, it looks like we're stuck in this room! :(

Hope: Wait a second... I think I can get us out...

*Hope walks towards a computer and starts scanning through files*

Hope: hmmm... "Hope's Augusta Tower"

Serah: ...what?

Hope: Apparently, I made this tower in the future... which means the password is probably something very important to me...

*Hope types in "LIGHTNINGS_NUDE_BODY" into the password bar*

Hope: Yes! It worked!

Serah: Now we can get out of here!

Hope: Wait, who is that guy over there?

*Serah looks at where Hope is pointing*

Serah: IT'S KAIN!

Hope: We've got to catch him!

Computer: Whoops, the floor randomly disappeared here. You have to fix it by going into the Augusta Tower 100 years in the future and finding the password for this terminal.

Serah: Aw, we have to do even more time travelling...

Hope: Don't worry, I know the password already.

*Hope types in "SERAHS_NUDE_BODY" into the terminal*

Serah: ...Hope, what did you just type?

Hope: Err... it said... Sarah's Prude Bloody. You know, Sarah the princess from Final Fantasy 1.

Serah: Oh, of course! I love that game!

Hope: Uh, yeah, me too...

Serah: Yay! An elevator!

Alyssa: Do you need help?

Hope: Alyssa? I thought you and Alyssa were still stuck in the Paddra Ruins?

Alyssa: No, I'm just an artificial intelligence robot that just looks like Alyssa because Square Enix is extremely lazy and copied her biological data instead of actually creating a new character.

Serah: Hey, cool! They did the same thing to me! I have the exact same apperance from three years ago because Square was too lazy to make a new model for me!

Hope: *smirks*

Serah: Shut up, Hope.

Hope: I didn't say anything...

Alyssa: Shut up, Hope.

Hope: ...

*Alyssa takes out a remote and flips on the super-futuristic television*

Alyssa: Let's watch some TV while we're here on this elevator.

Serah: We have TV in elevators in the future? That's pretty boss.

Hope: Wait... is that a snuff flick of me getting brutally murdered?

Alyssa: No, it's a historical documentary of you getting brutally murdered. By me.

*Alyssa transforms into a cyber-Behemoth*

Behemoth: RAWR!

Hope: Oh no! A boss battle!

Serah: This isn't a boss battle, silly!

Hope: How do you know?

Serah: There's no horrible metal destroying my eardrums. This is just a normal battle.

Hope: Oh, right.

*Serah and Hope beat up the Behemoth until it only has a sliver of health left*

Serah: Go, pokeball!

*Serah throws a pokeball*

Hope: ...what the hell are you doing?

Serah: Lightning taught me how to capture pokemon!

Hope: That's not a pokemon... that's my lab assistant who is actually a demonic robot who kills me in the future...

Serah: Sounds like the backstory for Mewtwo!

Hope: No... it doesn't...

Serah: Well, looks like we caught an Alyssan Behemoth!

Hope: *sigh*

*The elevator stops*

Computer: Hostiles have attacked Augusta Tower civillian. Lockdown. Lockdown.

Serah: Crap... now we're stuck here...

Hope: Wait... I think I know the password.

*Hope types "SNOWS_NUDE_BODY" in a terminal*

Serah: You have really, really weird passwords.

Hope: ...don't judge..


	3. Chapter 3

*Serah and Hope ride the elevator upwards and solve puzzles. Eventually, they find Noel locked up in a room*

Noel: Serah? Is that you?

Serah: Noel! What are you doing here? I thought Alyssa tazed you approximately two hundred years ago!

Hope: Really? I thought it was more like three hundred.

Serah: Same difference

Noel: I don't know... I remember being locked up in a laboratory. Caius attacked the Academy headquarters and took me hostage. Then he flew to this tower and trapped me here.

Serah: Why would he do that?

Noel: IDK... something about "the forbidden history" or some s*** like that.

Hope: "Forbidden history"? Wait... is he talking about...?

Serah: What is it, Hope?

Hope: Is Caius trying to hide the fact that I've been killed by the Alyssa-bot from the public while replacing me with a duplicate so he can control Academia himself?

*Serah thinks about it for a while*

Serah: Nah, you're too unimportant. Caius would never go through that much trouble and elaborate scheming to hide the death of some nerd.

Noel: Yeah, you're just an old geek that spends all his time investigating paradox theories.

Hope: You're calling ME the geek? You're the crossdresser who is obsessed with Japanese culture and wears samurai pants all day long! And this Caius dude is just a Kain cosplayer who wants to destroy the world because Lightning didn't give him an autograph.

Noel: Fine. So we're ALL nerds here.

Serah: Except me. I'm the only one here who actually has a life.

Hope: You're also the only one here who doesn't have a steady source of income.

Serah: I don't need one. I'm in Snow's will :)

*Noel slams his fists on a desk*

Hope: Woah, what was that for?

Noel: Dramatic effect.

Hope: Oh...

Noel: First, we need to find Caius. He should be somewhere in this tower. Probably at the top, where he could be controlling the AI.

Serah: That would make the most sense.

Hope: Let's go!

*Serah, Noel, and Hope ride the elevator to the top*

Noel: You know, if we see a mysterious girl in blue hair, don't tell her to look into the future.

Serah: Why?

Noel: She dies.

Hope: Why?

Noel: Because Etro.

Serah: You mean that DJ who hosts those rave parties that Lightning always goes to whenever she visits Valhalla?

Noel: Yeah, her.

Hope: What does a DJ have to do with seeing into the future?

Noel: You see, Etro is actually an organ donor. She donates random parts of her body to fuel her drug habit, as she doesn't make enough money as a DJ to sustain her addiction. Yeul accidentally lost her eyes one day, so Etro donated her eyes to Yeul.

Serah: She... lost hey eyes? How does one lose her eyes?

Noel: She couldn't find her eyes because she lost them and she couldn't search for them because she couldn't see anything because she lost her eyes.

*Hope suddenly jumps up, his eyes shining bright with epiphany*

Hope: IT'S A TIME PARADOX!

Serah: Shut up, Hope.

Hope: :(

Noel: Anyways, Etro's eyes were actually cursed. Long ago, Etro ran an orphanage. She was a cruel woman and physically abused her children. She feasted her eyes on their naked bodies, and then brainwashed them with Guardian Forces to make them forget their terrible childhood. But one day, a cowboy mercenary teenager remembered his childhood in the orphanage, and told his friends, an emo swordsman and a hyperactive blond monk.

Serah: Snow?

Noel: Another hyperactive blond monk.

Serah: oh...

Noel: The three teenagers cursed Etro, giving her eyes the power to see the future but shortening her lifespan every time she did so.

Hope: So she donated her eyes to Yeul to stop this?

Noel: Yep.

Serah: That doesn't even make sense. Even the orphanage plot twist from FF8 was more realistic than that.

Hope: Serah... that WAS the orphanage plot twist.

Serah: oh...

*The trio ride the elevator to the top of the tower*

Yuel: Noel! I found you!

Noel: Yuel! We can finally be together again!

Hope: IT'S A TRAP!

*Yuel explodes and Caius walks into the scene*

Caius: Foolish fools who foolishly dream of foolish dreams... Yuel is dead!

Serah: What happened to her?

Caius: The paradox killed her... an evil Fal'cie who slays all those who learn the forbidden history.

Noel: The forbidden history... The Fal'cie was going to kill me?

Caius: Yes. Just jump in this Time Gate and he'll be waiting to exterminate your sorry shemale ass.

Noel: I'll never go in there, no matter what you say!

Serah: Whoops!

*Serah pushes Noel into the Time Gate*

Hope: That was... heartless.

Caius: Wow. You're more evil than I am.

Serah: ...I'll take that as a compliment.

*Meanwhile, Noel is trapped in yet another cyberspace room*

Noel: Aw man, I always get trapped in these stupid rooms... This one is bright pink, too. That's even worse. Wait... do I hear... metal?

*Proto Fal'cie ADAM pops out of the ground*

Noel: Who the hell are you?

ADAM: A Damn Attractive Man, and don't you forget it!

*Noel Meteor Javelins ADAM's face*

ADAM: You think you can kill someone as attractive as ADAM? Think again!

*ADAM regenerates his attractive face*

ADAM: I am too attractive to be killed!

Noel: That's impossible!

*Noel cuts off ADAM's arm*

ADAM: My sexy biceps cannot be destroyed!

*ADAM regenerates his sexy biceps*

Noel: Damn it...

*Meanwhile, back with Serah, Hope, and Caius*

Hope: We can't let him die!

Serah: Why not?

Hope: Noel was the last man alive, right? If he dies, humanity as a whole becomes extinct.

Serah: And I'm supposed to care... why?

Caius: You make me look like a nice person, Serah... and I'm the main vilain of this game...

Hope: Wait! I created this tower... so I also created A Damn Attractive Man!

Serah: I knew you were gay!

Hope: That's... not where I was going with this.

Caius: Serah...

Hope: Anyways, if I stop developing this project in the past, then A Damn Attractive Man will die!

Serah: But how can we do that? The only Time Gate here teleports us to A Damn Attractive Man!

Hope: You must... kill me...

Caius: Don't say that!

Serah: No problem, bro.

*Serah stabs Hope*

Caius: ... you didn't even hesitate to kill him. You evil, evil bastard.

Serah: I'm starting to get a negative vibe from you, bro...

*Noel pops out of the Time Gate*

Noel: Did you see that? I killed it!

Serah: No, I did.

Noel: Really? How?

Serah: I killed Hope.

Noel: Wha-

Caius: You people disgust me with your casual disregard for human life.

*Caius flies away*

Serah: Time to continue our journey!

Noel: ...remember how I told you at the beginning of our journey how you destroy human civilization?

Serah: Yeah?

Noel: Does that fact disturb you at all?

Serah: Now that I think about it... not really.

Noel: ...you scare me sometimes...

*Serah and Noel exit the tower and continue on their journey


	4. Chapter 4

*Serah and Noel come across a huge futuristic city*

Serah: This place seems familiar...

Noel: Huh? Have you been here before?

Serah: ...nah, I'm probably just imagining it.

*Serah and Noel continue walking when two young blondes ambush them*

Alyssa: Serah!

Alyssa: Noel!

Serah: Huh?

Noel: 'Sup?

Alyssa: Wait... didn't the director go with you?

Serah: Director? Like Joss Whedon?

Alyssa: No, Hope.

Serah: Oh, yeah, Hope. He's kind'a dead.

Alyssa: What? The director died? How?

Serah: It's a long story...

Noel: Serah killed him.

Alyssa: What.

*Alyssa and Alyssa gape in shock*

Serah: ...a wizard made me do it...

Alyssa: Oh, that's okay then.

Alyssa: We all have those days.

Noel: Uh, do you understand what I just said? This girl KILLED YOUR BOSS!

Alyssa: WHAT? YOU KILLED HER?

Serah: No! I just permanently removed his existence from the timeline!

*Alyssa slaps Noel*

Alyssa: Stop lying about Serah! She's an innocent young woman!

Alyssa: Permanently removing someone from the timeline is completely different from killing them! How dare you slander her name!

Noel: What! Killing someone is a crime!

Alyssa: Really? Hope killed Psicom officers all the time back in FF13.

Alyssa: Karma!

Noel: That's different! They're enemies! It's okay to kill enemies because they give CP!

Serah: He has a point there.

*The four stand there for a while in silence*

Serah: Soooo got any new technology?

Alyssa: Oh, yeah! We created an antigravity device!

Noel: Didn't Lightning use one in FF13?

Alyssa: Yeah, but this one works on things REALLY REALLY BIG!

Serah: Such as...?

Alyssa: Cocoon!

Noel: You guys have invented a device powerful enough to levitate an entire biosphere? Why the **** aren't you investing your money in nuclear weapons or something?

Alyssa: Well, we haven't really invented it yet.

Alyssa: You see, good sir, we don't have the materials to make it.

Serah: What are you missing?

Alyssa: It's this thing called a graviton core.

Noel: How can we find it?

Alyssa: By going to hell.

*Serah and Noel go to hell*

Satan: Hello? How can I help you?

Serah: OH DEAR GOD IT'S SATAN!

Noel: ETRO SAVE US!

Satan: I'm not Satan! I'm, um, the Arbiter of Time! This place is the, uh, Colosseum!

Serah: Why are there dead people here?

*Serah points at Jihl, who is being electrocuted for her crimes on Earth*

Satan: I have no clue who she is.

Noel: So, do you have these things called Graviton Cores?

Satan: Yeah...

Noel: Can we have it pwetty pwease? :3

Satan: No.

Noel: Aw...

Serah: I'll give you a hug!

Satan: No.

Noel: I'll give you my girlscout cookies!

Satan: No.

Serah: I'll give you Hope's boomerang!

Satan: OH MY GOSH GIVE IT TO MEEE!

*Satan grabs the boomerang and starts licking it*

Noel: So, can we take the Graviton Core?

Satan: Do whatever you want with that turd. All I want is to fondle this hard, long boomerang...

Serah: ...

Noel: ...

Serah: Team Rocket is blasting off again!

*Serah and Noel spontaneously explode and reappear in Academia*

Alyssa: That was fast.

Alyssa: Indeed it was.

Noel: Here.

*Noel gives the Graviton Core*

Alyssa: Let me fix up the antigravity device. Alyssa, you give our guests some tea.

Alyssa: Sure thing, Alyssa.

*Alyssa gives Serah and Noel tea while Alyssa fixes the device*

Alyssa: Let's try it out!

*Alyssa uses the antigravity device and shoots upwards at an amazing speed*

Alyssa: Help meeeee...

Alyssa: Huh? Where'd she go?

Serah: She's exiting the atmosphere!

*Alyssa explodes*

Noel: That must hurt...

Alyssa: Indeed it must, good sir.

*Alyssa takes a sip of tea*

Noel: So now what?

Serah: What do you mean, "what"?

Noel: Like, does this plot have any purpose at all, or are we just running around doing random fetch quests because we're bored?

*Serah ponders*

Serah: We're just doing random fetch quests because we're bored. Travelling through time for no reason is fun!

*suddenly, Lightning's image appears*

Lightning: Serah! There is a Time Gate in Academia. Don't enter it... It's a trap!

Serah: Huh?

Lightning: That suspicious blonde over there, Alyssa, is working for the evil Kain cosplayer!

Noel: You mean Caius?

Lightning: Caius, Kain cosplayer, same thing. Anyways, Alyssa is going to give you a fake artifact that will take you to the Void Beyond!

Noel: You mean the Void that Cloud of Darkness came from?

Lightning: Stop interrupting me, b****.

Noel: I'm not your b****!

Lightning: If you look like my b****, and you act like my b****, then you're my b****.

Noel: ...

Serah: What's so bad about the Void Beyond?

Lightning: Yuel lives there!

Serah: Yuel? You mean Yeul's twin sister?

Lightning: Yes! But Yuel is secretly evil! Her real name is... CHOCOLINA!

Noel: Hey, Caius's ex had that name!

*Lightning slaps Noel for opening his stupid mouth*

Lightning: Chocolina is the true, diabolical mastermind behind the plot! Her goal is to take over the world and turn it into her brothel for chocobo-****ers!

Serah: Who would want to **** a chocobo?

*Lightning slyly glances over at Alyssa, who is still drinking tea, and then looks back at Serah*

Lightning: Err... anyways, you must not listen to whatever Alyssa tells you to do! She's dangerous, Serah!

Serah: Okay, Lightning, I trust you!

*Lightning fades away*

Noel: We should ask Alyssa what to do next and do the opposite of what she tells us!

Serah: Good idea!

*Alyssa finishes her tea*

Alyssa: Hello, there. Need some help?

Noel: Yeah. We're trying to defeat this Caius guy and we don't know what to do.

Alyssa: Oh, I have the perfect thing!

*Alyssa takes out an artifact*

Serah: An artifact!

Noel: What should we do with this artefact?

Alyssa: Hold on to it for now. There is a Time Gate in the city, but don't put the artifact in it. If you do, the artefact will take you to the Void Beyond!

Serah: Wait, did you just alternate between saying "artifact" and "artefact"?

Alyssa: No, I always pronounce artefact as "artifact".

Noel: You did it again!

Alyssa: You guys must be high or something. Here, have some tea.

*Alyssa offers tea*

Serah: No thank you, I'm not very hungry...

Noel: I don't drink British exports...

*Alyssa suddenly gets angry*

Alyssa: SIT YOUR ASS IN THAT CHAIR AND DRINK YOUR G**DAMN TEA!

Serah: Uh, okay (this chick has anger management issues!)

Noel: Of course, of course (I think I just pissed in my samurai pants again...)

*Serah and Noel drink tea*

Alyssa: See, that wasn't so bad! What, did you think I poisoned it?

Serah: Of course not! Hahaha...

Noel: Anyways, we uh, got to go!

*Serah and Noel run away*

Serah: So let's see, she told us NOT to use the Time Gate...

Noel: And according to Lightning, Alyssa is evil! So she must have been lying to us! Let's go use the Time Gate!

Serah: That's a great plan, Noel! You're not stupid after all!

Noel: ...what's that supposed to mean?

*Serah and Noel hold hands and jump in the Time Gate*

*Alyssa walks into the scene right as the duo disappear*

Alyssa: Stupid sexy Noel... you fell right for my trap! Now, Caius and Chocolina will be united again! And with Hope and Snow out of the picture, I can finally fulfill my lifelong dream of marrying Serah! Mwahahahaha!

*Alyssa drinks some tea*

Serah: Where are we now, Noel?

Noel: Don't you remember? We're in the Void Beyond!

Serah: Oh yeah...

*Caius pops out of nowhere, kills Noel, pillages his body, then disappears*

Serah: WTF did I just see

Yeul: Hey Serah? Wassup?

Serah: Nothing much. Just saw this Kain cosplayer Jump out of nowhere and kill this anime manwoman person.

Yeul: You mean Caius and Noel?

Serah: Yeah, I can never remember their names.

Yeul: That sucks. You'll probably never see them again.

Serah: What do you mean?

Yeul: Well, you're pretty much stuck here. This place is a trap.

Serah: WHAT?1! But Alyssa told me not to go here! And she's evil and is trying to stop me from completing my journey!

Yeul: Alyssa was your ally, not your enemy. The true foe was that image of Lightning you saw. She was not your sister at all, but really Yuel, my evil twin sister!

Serah: *dramatic gasp*

Yeul: Oh yeah, Etro is connected to this too somehow

*Yeul explains who Etro is and what she does. Serah gets bored of all the plot exposition and dozes off*

Yeul: ...and that's how Etro and I got divorced. I got custody of Caius while Etro got the car. A pretty crappy deal if you ask me. I'd rather have the car over Caius any day. It was a freakin' Prius.

Serah: *yawns*

Yeul: ...you weren't listening to me at all, were you?

Serah: Of course I did! You love Priuses! Me too! Snow used to have one before he ditched it and bought a Ferrari.

Yeul: *sigh*

*Yeul gets pissed off at Serah and teleports away*

Serah: No! Baby come back ohhhhh

*Serah chases Yeul*

Yeul: Stop ****ing following me.

*Yeul transforms into Caius*

Serah: What? You were Kain the entire time!

Caius: It's CAIUS ya' dumb witch!

*Caius and Serah battle*

Serah: My button-mashing skills have only improved, Kain! You'll never beat me!

Caius: You think that, yes, but I have the power to travel through time and stuff! I can simply go back to the time before you pressed the auto-battle button!

Serah: What? That isn't fair! I thought Square Enix was focusing on making these games as easy as possible! They can't actually have difficult bosses in this game!

Caius: I am not part of Square Enix! I was actually hired by Nintendo to ruin the Final Fantasy series and convert the fanbase into Pokemon fans!

Serah: It all makes sense! That fake Lightning who gave me the power to capture Pokemon... the evil Moogle that transformed into my Bowsword, the weapon that is destined to destroy the human race... Nintendo started it all!

Caius: Mwahahaha! Surrender to your heart's desire and play Nintendo games! You know that they are much better than this crap Square consistently releases!

*Caius stabs Serah*

*Serah wakes up*

Serah: Where... where am I?

Lebreau: Welcome to Nintendo Land, Serah!

Serah: AH! IT'S POKEMON!

Lebreau: Don't worry, Serah! This is my electric-type pokemon, Maqui!

Maqui: Maqui, Maqui!

Lebreau: And this is my rock-type pokemon, Gadot!

Gadot: Gadot, Gadot!

Serah: Why am in Nintendo Land?

Leberau: Don't you know? Everyone plays Nintendo now days! All the good RPGs have migrated over to their consoles! Xenoblade, The Last Story, The World Ends With You, Dragon Quest, Shin Megami Tensei...

Serah: But you betrayed Sony, Lebreau! They've been our protectors since FF7!

Lebreau: Well, I'm not in Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale, so Sony can go screw themselves for all I care.

Serah: oh... I think I'll rest for a minute.

Lebreau: Sure! There's a bed over there at the Pokemon Center.

*Serah goes to the Pokemon Center and sits down on a bed*

Nurse Joy: I'm sorry, that bed is only for Pokemon.

Serah: Serah Serah Serah!

Nurse Joy: There's so many new Pokemon these days... *walks away*

Serah: I have to escape this place... but how


	5. Chapter 5

Noel: Previously on Final Fantasy XIII-2...

Alyssa: There is a Time Gate in Academia, but don't put the artifact in it. If you do, the artefact will take you to the Void Beyond!

Serah: So let's see, she told us NOT to use the Time Gate...

Noel: And according to Lightning, Alyssa is evil! She must have been lying to us! Let's go use the Time Gate!

*Caius pops out of nowhere, kills Noel, pillages his body, then disappears*

Yeul: Well, bro, you're pretty much stuck here. This place is a trap.

Serah: *dramatic gasp*

Yeul: Oh yeah, Etro is connected to this too somehow.

*Yeul transforms into Caius*

Caius: I am not part of Square Enix! I was actually hired by Nintendo to ruin the Final Fantasy series and convert the fanbase into Pokemon fans!

Serah: It all makes sense! That fake Lightning who gave me the power to capture Pokemon... the evil Moogle that transformed into my Bowsword, the weapon that is destined to destroy the human race... Nintendo started it all!

*Caius stabs Serah*

*Serah wakes up*

Serah: Where... where am I?

Lebreau: Welcome to Nintendo Land, Serah!

Serah: I have to escape this place... but how?

*dramatic music*

Serah: This place...Nintendo Land...it's evil! But Nintendo has converted everyone to Pokemon fans while Caius knocked me out with his sword... what can I do?

Vanille: Serah! You're here!

Serah: Vanille?

Vanille: Me and Fang tried out that new Nintendo RPG, The Last Story!

Serah: How did you like it?

*Fang jumps out of nowhere*

Fang: IT SUCKED!

Serah: What? But why?

Vanille: You know how FF13 was a big long corridor with pretty graphics and Fang's sexy body?

Serah: Yeah?

Vanille: Well, The Last Story is a big long corridor with ugly graphics and without Fang's sexy body!

Serah: That's terrible!

Fang: Quick, Serah, you must escape this place!

Vanille: We have to stop Nintendo from ruining RPGs as we know them!

Serah: But if Square becomes the master of RPGs again, they'll just keep delaying Versus and releasing bad FF13 sequels!

Fang: There's always hope that we can convince them to localize Type-0.

Serah: Good point.

*Vanille and Fang use their lesbian powers to create a Time Gate*

Vanille: Serah! We're counting on you!

Fang: If you don't succeed, Final Fantasy will be RUINED FOREVER!

Serah: I won't mess up, guys!

*Serah jumps into the Time Gate*

*Serah jumps out of the Time Gate into a place with really bad lighting*

Serah: Ugh... I can't see anything... who designed this horrible map? And why is the sky red? Don't tell me Admiral Zhao killed the Moon Spirit again...

Noel: Yes! I beat this Behemoth!

Serah: Hey Noel!

Noel: Now I can bring this Behemoth with me and share it with my secret lifelong love... Caius!

Serah: Wait, what? Noel, what's happened to you?

*Noel runs towards Serah and jumps through her*

Serah: That stupid shemale didn't even notice me! I'm wearing the sluttiest dress possible and he just walks right through me as if I wasn't even there! The nerve of him!

*Serah runs after Noel and sees some random invisible NPCs*

Serah: Hmm, doesn't look like I can talk to them. I know! I'll use Mog's magical ability to reveal hidden objects to see them!

*Serah uses moogle magic to turn the NPCs visible. They spontaneously die.*

Serah: Huh, these NPCs die whenever I use my moogle magic on them. This is fun!

*Serah goes around and turns all the NPCs visible, thereby killing them*

Noel: No... everyone's dying... why? How is this happening?

Serah: Uh...

Caius: Noel! There is little time left! The end of the world is here! We must complete our final task!

Noel: Making love with eachother?

Caius: ...I actually wanted you to kill me, but that's okay too...

Noel: Uh... so what did you REALLY want me to do?

Caius: I wanted you to kill me.

Noel: Sure.

Caius: ...aren't you going to say anything?

Noel: What do you mean?

Caius: Well, I'm asking you to murder me. That's pretty weird. Shouldn't you be saying things like "NO I CAN'T KILL YOU" or "I LOVE YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART"?

Noel: I have no qualms with killing you. The only thing I like about you is your body, and I'll still be able to make love with it after you die.

Caius: ...wow. Just kill me already if you're going to be such a d*** about it.

Noel: Okay.

*Noel stabs Caius*

Caius: ...huh.

Noel: What?

Caius: That didn't really hurt. I guess you're not man enough to kill me and become Yeul's Guardian.

Noel: But, I've known her since she was born!

Caius: I've know her since BEFORE she was born.

Noel: good point...

Caius: Well, the world's gonna' end any time now. I'm gonna' use my smexeh dragoon powers and JUMP to another part of the timeline.

*Caius Jumps away*

Noel: Caius!

*Yeul walks up*

Yeul: Hey, Noel. Where'd Caius go?

Noel: Uh... he's just going out for a walk...

Yeul: OH MY GOD IT'S A GIANT ROCK!

*Yeul points at the sky, where the Moon is falling*

Noel: Quick, Yeul? What does the scouter say about its power level?

Yeul: Scouter? You mean the Eyes of Etro?

Noel: Yeah, that thing.

Yeul: IT'S OVER NINE THOU... just kidding, it's pretty weak. It's only strong enough to kill three people, max.

Noel: But there's only two people left on Pulse.

Yeul: What about Caius?

Noel: uh... look, the point is, the Moon is going to kill us and destroy the world. We have three days to stop it.

*Serah runs up*

Serah: Noel! Yeul!

Noel: Hey look! A stripper! She must be the third person the Moon will kill!

Serah: We can stop the Moon from being destroyed! If we don't do it fast enough, Yeul will die! We have to find the four giants and-

Yeul: EYES OF ETRO ACTIVATE!

*Yeul dies*

Noel: ...what?

Serah: Uh, well, we can continue on without her. We have to find the four giants and-

Noel: YEULLLLLL!

Serah: Look, I know that she was important to you, but...

Noel: YEULLLLLL!

Serah: We really need to find these four giants and-

Noel: YEULLLLLL!

Serah: You know what? I give up. You're too stupid to save.

*Serah goes back to the Time Gate and hops back in.*

*Serah reappears at a familiar location*

Serah: Wait a second... no... this can't be...

Noel: HEY SERAH WASSUP

Serah: Etro damnit where did you come from?

Noel: I followed you through the Time Gate and suddenly got my memories back!

Serah: Oh right, I forgot you could use the Time Gates too...

Noel: So where is this place?

Serah: Don't you recognize it? It's New Bodhum... in the future.

*Noel and Serah look around the town, seeing it destroyed and completely annihilated*

Noel: What's that?

*Lightning appears out of nowhere*

Lightning: Serah! Listen to me!

Serah: No! Yeul told me the truth! You've been lying to me the entire time! Traitor!

Lightning: You're misunderstanding me, Serah! That Yeul was evil!

Noel: Yeul isn't evil! She's my bestest friend forever! There's even tons of horrible fanfics shipping us even though I'm obviously canonically paired with Caius!

Serah: ...Noel, I hate to tell you this, but Caius doesn't love you the way you think he does.

Noel: NO! Caius is my eternal lover! You can't separate us! We're like Romeo and Juliet!

Serah: So which one of you dies?

Noel: uh...

Lightning: ANYWAYS, that Yeul was not the Yeul you know!

Serah: Are you saying that Yeul was really Yuel?

Lightning: No, that Yeul was a different Yeul! She is Black Haze Yeul!

Noel: WTF is Black Haze Yeul?

Lightning: She's like this evil version of Yeul and stuff...

Serah: Stop lying, Lightning! We already know that you're evil! Black Haze Yeul doesn't exist! It's just another one of your lies, just like that time you said you were my friend!

Lightning: I never said I'm your friend...

Serah: Good point. You're a b**** of a sister.

Noel: You never did give Caius that autograph he wanted...

Serah: And you never did give Hope that naked photo of you he asked for his birthday...

*Lightning scoffs*

Lightning: Ugh! What is wrong with you, Serah? You have to make a decision now. It's either me, or this manwoman right here.

Serah: That decision is easy, sister! I choose Noel! I'll always love him more than you!

Lightning: *gasp*

Noel: *Serah, you love me?*

Serah: *F*** no, just play along for now*

Lightning: Fine then, sister! Go ahead and try to save Square Enix by yourself! But I promise you. On this path you follow, you shall be headed towards a future of pain and suffering, horror and hopelessness.

Noel: What's wrong with Hopelessness?

Lightning: ...never mind.

*Lightning rips off her shirt, summons Odin, and rides away*

Serah: Why'd she rip off her shirt?

Noel: Fan service. It's the evil powers of Nintendo, taking over her once-virginal mind! Quick, we must hurry!

Serah: Where to next?

*Suddenly, Hope jumps out of a Time Gate*

Hope: There is only one place where Caius could be headed; Academia! Let's go!

Serah: For FRIENDSHIP!

Noel: For REVENGE!

Hope: For NAKED PICTURES OF LIGHTNING!

Serah: ...why doesn't anyone want naked pictures of me? ._.

*The trio head off towards Academia


	6. The Final Battle?

Noel: Previously on Final Fantasy XIII-2...

Vanille: You have to stop Nintendo from ruining RPGs as we know them! Serah, we're counting on you!

Fang: If you don't succeed, Final Fantasy will be RUINED FOREVER!

Serah: Huh, these NPCs die whenever I use my moogle magic on them. This is fun!

Noel: No... everyone's dying... why? How is this happening?

Caius: Noel! There is little time left! The end of the world is here! We must complete our final task!

Noel: Making love with eachother?

Caius: ...I actually wanted you to kill me, but that's okay too...

Yeul: OH MY GOD IT'S A GIANT ROCK! *points at the moon falling*

Noel: The Moon is going to kill us and destroy the world! We have three days to stop it.

*Yeul dies again*

Serah: Now we're in New Bodhum... in the future.

Lightning: Serah! Listen to me!

Serah: No! Yeul told me the truth! You've been lying to me the entire time! Traitor!

Lightning: You're misunderstanding me, Serah! That Yeul was evil! She is Black Haze Yeul!

Serah: Stop lying, Lightning! Black Haze Yeul doesn't exist! It's just another one of your lies, just like that time you said you were my friend!

*Suddenly, Hope jumps out of a Time Gate*

Hope: There is only one place where Caius could be headed; Academia! Let's go!

*The trio head off towards Academia*

Noel: Now, back to Final Fantasy XIII-2…

Serah: So Hope… how exactly are you alive?

Hope: What are you talking about? I've always been alive!

Noel: After Serah… killed you… we assumed you were dead. That's what tends to happen to dead people. They die.

Hope: Preposterous! Just because I was killed doesn't mean I'm dead!

Serah: …what?

Hope: You killed me after I travelled here through the Time Gate.

Serah: …but I killed you in the past… and now we're in the future.

Hope: But I jumped into the Time Gate and traveled to the future before you killed me, thus preserving my life after my death and allowing me to continue living.

Serah: …what?

Noel: IF YOU PURCHASE OUR NEWEST DLC, THIS PLOT HOLE WILL BE FIXED THROUGH THE USE OF VAGUE REASONING, ABUNDANT PARADOXES, AND TORIYAMA'S NONSENSICAL SCRIPT! BUY IT TODAY! Back to Final Fantasy XIII-2…

Hope: So I've been absent from the plot for a while since you killed me…

Serah: Sorry about that…

Hope: So what I want to know is who are we fighting now? Caius? Yeul? Yuel? Alyssa?

Noel: Apparently we're trying to fight Black Haze Yeul, who is really the diabolical mastermind Chocolina who wants to enslave the human population and turn us into her sex puppets.

Serah: Wait a second, where did you learn that? Do you actually understand what the hell is going on?

Noel: Nope, I just checked an online plot summary.

Hope: So Caius was good all along?

Serah: Yeah, it turned out that he was just bitter and trying to avenge his mother/lover Yeul since Etro stole her car after their divorce and she got screwed over by Yuel/BlackHazeYeul/Chocolina. Also, Noel has a boner for Caius.

Noel: Hey!

Hope: So where does Alyssa fit into all of this?

Serah: She's a paradox.

Hope: …no, seriously.

Serah: Honestly? I don't know.

Noel: One of the Alyssas died. I can't remember if it was the past one or the future one…

Hope: Obviously it's the future one, since if the past Alyssa died then the future Alyssa would die too.

Serah: But you died in the past and you're still alive in the future… How do you explain that?

Hope: Well, you see…

Noel: BUY DLC TODAY TO FIND OUT HOW TORIYAMA COVERS HIS LATEST PLOT HOLE! GIVE SQUARE ENIX ALL YOUR MONEYZ!

Serah: Noel… stop that.

Noel: Sorry ._.

Serah: I guess we'll have to learn what happened to Alyssa after we kill Chocolina.

*Hope leads the party to the heart of future Academia*

Noel: Hey! It's the Academian Army!

Hope: I called them here just in time for the final battle! Look, it's Sazh!

Sazh: Wassup, bois and gurlz?

Serah: Where have you been all this time?

Sazh: Well, you see…

Noel: IF YOU BUY THIS POORLY MADE POKER RIP-OFF DLC FOR AN INFLATED PRICE, YOU CAN FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO SAZH AND HOW HE ESCAPED CHOCOLINA'S PALACE OF DOOM! BUY NOW!

(Square Enix is not liable if you feel massively disappointed with the lack of quality in their products)

Serah: …Noel…

Sazh: You gotta' buy mah DLC if yoo wanna find wit happened to me, guru...

Hope: It seems Noel is right. Sazh must be under the control of Chocolina, who is manipulating Toriyama into making bad DLC and destroying the quality of the Final Fantasy franchise!

Sazh: If you follow me little gurl, I can take you to mah homeboy Caius.

Hope: I'll stay here and be useless! You two go on ahead!

Noel: Thanks for the help, Hope!

Hope: Always a pleasure! *blows kiss*

*Serah and Noel climb aboard Sazh's ship*

Sazh: Just so you gurlz know, yoo gotta fork over five buckz if yoo want tha good ending.

Serah: Screw that! I earned my money through hard work!

Noel: You teach elementary school kids how to count and recite the alphabet…

Serah: Hey, that's pretty tiring! One day one of the kids farted in my lap! And this other punk is always stealing my glue sticks! Pesky little children! Sometimes I just want to punt them across the beach into the sand!

Noel: …

*Serah and Noel arrive at Caius, who is wearing a Cecil outfit*

Serah: Hey lipstick dude, we're looking for this guy who cosplays like Kain. Do you know where he is?

Caius: …you mean Caius?

Noel: Yeah, him. Manly voice, beautiful hair, sexy body, you know him?

Caius: …That's me.

Serah: No way! This guy only cosplays as Kain! You're cosplaying Cecil!

Noel: Caius gives me a boner! All you give me is a headache with your long flowing white hair!

Caius: I'm the same guy. I just changed costumes since everyone is always making fun of me being a Kain cosplayer…

Serah: Hah! Cecil cosplayer! That's worse than being a Kain cosplayer!

Caius: Screw you guys…

*Caius strips off his Cecil costume and reveals a Chocobo costume*

Noel: Huh? You're… Chocolina?

Chocolina: I guess I should reveal myself now. I am the one who has been controlling the events of this plot! I am Caius, or as you have just found out, Chocolina!

Serah: Wait… So Caius is Yeul's son, and he is also Chocolina, and Chocolina is Yuel, and Yuel is Yeul's twin sister, meaning that Yeul's twin sister is… her daughter.

Noel: So… Yeul had children with her father and somehow made a twin… There was that one time I had sex with Yeul… meaning that Caius is my son… who I've been boning over my whole life… dear Etro, what have I done…

Chocolina: You see, Noel? This is why I had to hide the truth! No one can know of our incestuous love! If the rest of the world finds out, Final Fantasy will be destroyed as a brand and no one will buy our games anymore! I agreed to help Nintendo take over the RPG industry so that they would hide the shame of our love! Don't you understand? We must defeat Square Enix! We must protect our love!

Serah: That doesn't even make sense…

Noel: I'm sorry, Caius. I understand what you have done… but we must live by the truth! I can't hide behind these lies!

Chocolina: Well then, kill me! You have nothing left to lose… I told you to slay me years ago! Now do it! Here is your chance!

Serah: Noel! Please! You have to…

Finish Him!

Show Mercy!

Serah: YOU can decide what happens next by commenting!

Noel: To be continued…

Chocolina: Just kill me already, pussyboy.


End file.
